Dear Freshman,
Here are just a few helpful words of advice:
- You are not cool. There's just no way.
- Everyone does hate you.
- You are annoying.
- Do not wear ripped jeans and an Abercrombie shirt because you want to make "a variety of friends." That's just ridiculous. We hate you.
- Do not slick your bangs to your face and wear "bracelets" in your ears because you think that you're "Hood."
- You are freshman. Not "freshies" or whatever the hell you call yourselves. That name is stupid; go play in traffic.
- Don't think you're clever because you filled up water bottles with vodka and snuck it onto your 8th grade field trip. We've all done it--there's nothing to be proud of. Idiots.
- Don't try the Emo scene. Just don't do it. If you do, you will be widely disrespected and mocked by all.
- Girls, don't stuff your bras. You look like hookers. We have boobs; you don't. Get over it.
- You'll never be as hot as the upperclassmen, so don't even try.
- Don't try to act older than you really are. The way you walk, dress, and talk just has "freshman" written all over you.
-Don't go crying to the guidance counselors when everybody tells you that you're lame. Just face the facts. You are.
- Skinny, pasty white boys--YOU ARE NOT BLACK. Stop wearing the XXXL shirts and baggy pants that show your underwear. You look like pricks.
- If you are going to try and rebel, it most likely won't work. And if it does, we won't be impressed--you still suck.
- Dont tell everyone you love your boyfriend after 2 days, you're an idiot.
- Don't be a slut. This should be the number one rule. Seriously, we're sick of freshman getting pregnant and getting STDs. It's disgusting.
- Do not crowd our halls like cattle, because the upperclassmen WILL shove you out of the way. You will get hurt.
- Don't try to get with a boy/girl who's older than you. You will either A) make a complete fool of yourself or B) get beaten up by the said upperclassmen's significant other.
- Don't go around having sex or giving out blowjobs like candy on Halloween. It doesn't make you cool, it makes you a whore--and that reputation will follow you for the next 4 years.
-And most importantly--stop trying to be so badass and slutty on MySpace. No one wants you here. We hate you and your slutty pictures and claims that your penis is a foot long. We don't believe you, and we don't give a @#%$.
Believe us---You can't win. Have fun being a freshman..for a fun-filled year with no life and no opinion whatsoever.
Sincerely,
-The Classes of '10, '09, '08, etc.
*edited for grammar, punctuation, usage and literary effect.
Here are just a few helpful words of advice:
- You are not cool. There's just no way.
- Everyone does hate you.
- You are annoying.
- Do not wear ripped jeans and an Abercrombie shirt because you want to make "a variety of friends." That's just ridiculous. We hate you.
- Do not slick your bangs to your face and wear "bracelets" in your ears because you think that you're "Hood."
- You are freshman. Not "freshies" or whatever the hell you call yourselves. That name is stupid; go play in traffic.
- Don't think you're clever because you filled up water bottles with vodka and snuck it onto your 8th grade field trip. We've all done it--there's nothing to be proud of. Idiots.
- Don't try the Emo scene. Just don't do it. If you do, you will be widely disrespected and mocked by all.
- Girls, don't stuff your bras. You look like hookers. We have boobs; you don't. Get over it.
- You'll never be as hot as the upperclassmen, so don't even try.
- Don't try to act older than you really are. The way you walk, dress, and talk just has "freshman" written all over you.
-Don't go crying to the guidance counselors when everybody tells you that you're lame. Just face the facts. You are.
- Skinny, pasty white boys--YOU ARE NOT BLACK. Stop wearing the XXXL shirts and baggy pants that show your underwear. You look like pricks.
- If you are going to try and rebel, it most likely won't work. And if it does, we won't be impressed--you still suck.
- Dont tell everyone you love your boyfriend after 2 days, you're an idiot.
- Don't be a slut. This should be the number one rule. Seriously, we're sick of freshman getting pregnant and getting STDs. It's disgusting.
- Do not crowd our halls like cattle, because the upperclassmen WILL shove you out of the way. You will get hurt.
- Don't try to get with a boy/girl who's older than you. You will either A) make a complete fool of yourself or B) get beaten up by the said upperclassmen's significant other.
- Don't go around having sex or giving out blowjobs like candy on Halloween. It doesn't make you cool, it makes you a whore--and that reputation will follow you for the next 4 years.
-And most importantly--stop trying to be so badass and slutty on MySpace. No one wants you here. We hate you and your slutty pictures and claims that your penis is a foot long. We don't believe you, and we don't give a @#%$.
Believe us---You can't win. Have fun being a freshman..for a fun-filled year with no life and no opinion whatsoever.
Sincerely,
-The Classes of '10, '09, '08, etc.
*edited for grammar, punctuation, usage and literary effect.
